A Comedian Has To Live

Daddy Pays For The Water, Daddy Pays For The Gas, Daddy Pays For The Electricity, And If Daddy Didn't Pay For The Electricity, He'd Pay For The Candle On Your Nightstand, So You Can Study For The Big Test Tomorrow.

School Shootings Were Invented By Blacks... And Stolen By The White Man.

We Americans Commercialize Everything. Look At What We Did To Christmas. Christmas Is Jesus' Birthday. Now, I Don't Know Jesus, But From What I Read He Was The Least Materialistic Person Who Ever Walked The Earth. No Bling On Jesus. He Kept A Low Profile And We Turned His Birthday Into The Most Commercial Day Of The Year. In Fact We Have A Whole Jesus Birthday Season. And Then At The End Of It, We Have The Nerve To Have An Economist Come On Tv And Say What A Horrible Jesus Birthday Season We Had.

I Can't Cook, But I Have A Nice Book Of Menus... And I Can Plate And Set The Table.

If You're Black, You Got To Look At America A Little Bit Different. You Got To Look At America Like The Uncle Who Paid For You To Go To College, But Who Molested You.