You Know You're Old When

Just Because I Have Rice On My Clothes Doesn't Mean I've Been To A Wedding. A Chinese Man Threw Up On Me.

I Asked The Waiter, 'is This Milk Fresh?' He Said, 'lady, Three Hours Ago It Was Grass.'

My Own Laugh Is The Real Thing And I've Had It All My Life.

[on Plastic Surgery:] When I Die, God Won't Know Me. There Are No Two Parts Of My Body The Same Age.

Mothers-in-law Do Not Make Good House Pets. Once I Had The Most Wonderful Dream -- I Dreamed That Mothers-in-law Cost Money And I Couldn't Afford One.