You Know What I Hate

I Once Heard Two Ladies Going On And On About The Pains Of Childbirth And How Men Don't Seem To Know What Real Pain Is. I Asked If Either Of Them Ever Got Themselves Caught In A Zipper.

My Girlfriend Said, Emo, I'm Seeing Another Man. I Said, Well, Try Rubbing Your Eyes Or Something.

When I Was Ten, My Family Moved To Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I Was Twelve, I Found Them.

I Started Doing Stand-up At The Age Of 20. This Was Back In 1976, Around The Time (coincidence?) That The First Comedy Clubs Were Starting. The Young Comedians Of Today Gasp When I Tell Them How Many Shows I Did That First Year: 500. Five Nights A Week.

Once I Posed Nude For A Magazine. I've Never Been Back To That Newstand.