Wise Is What You Want

I Do Not Know Why Anyone Would Host An Awards Show. No Matter How Unbelievably Well You Do At It, The Only Thing That Can Happen Is You Get Asked Again To Host An Awards Show.

I Think The Answer Is We All Need A Little Help, And The Coffee's A Little Help With Everything — Social, Energy, Don't Know What To Do Next, Don't Know How To Start My Day, Don't Know How To Get Through This Afternoon, Don't Know How To Stay Alert. We Want To Do A Lot Of Stuff; We're Not In Great Shape. We Didn't Get A Good Night's Sleep. We're A Little Depressed. Coffee Solves All These Problems In One Delightful Little Cup.

Have You Ever Noticed That The Waiter Who Takes Your Order Is Not The One Who Brings Your Food Anymore? What Is That About? And Which Waiter Are You Tipping, Anyway? I Think Next Time I Go To A Restaurant I'll Just Say, "oh, Sorry, I Only Eat The Food. The Guy Who Pays The Bill Will Be Along Shortly."

People Who Read The Tabloids Deserve To Be Lied To.

If Every Instinct You Have Is Wrong, Then The Opposite Would Have To Be Right.