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Whenever I Have A Stubborn Position On Something, I Take A Deep Breath And Swallow Myself.

People Keep Referring To Me As A Standup, And That Just Doesn't Sit Well With Me Because A Lot Of My Friends Are Standups And They're Brilliant At Writing Jokes, And I'm Not.

The Key, I Would Say To Any Fledgling Humorist Starting Out, Is To Make Sure That Sloppiness Is Part Of Your Recipe. That Way They Come To Expect Fumbling And Clumsiness And They Say, "oh, It Must Be A Charming Part Of His Personality."

If You Like Comedy, Go Home And Curl Up With Leviticus. The Writers Of The Onion Are Handed Leviticus On Their First Day.

I Have A Ridiculously Beautiful Wife Who's Super Sexy, And As Long As She's Happy With Me, I Don't Need To Look In The Mirror And Think, "how Do I Stack Up Next To Bradley Cooper? Would Cooper Rock This Shirt?" Doesn't Matter. He Does Not Have Your Wife. You Do.