When I Turned About 12

At One Point In The Mid-eighties I Shared A Promoter With The Smiths. One Night, We Were Sitting Backstage When Morrissey Burst In, Utterly Distraught, Sobbing His Heart Out. Turns Out Someone Had Thrown A Sausage At Him On Stage During 'meat Is Murder.'

In 1987, I Was In Edinburgh Doing My First One-man Show. I Took Part In A Kickabout With Some Fellow Comedians And Tripped Over My Trousers And Heard This Cracking Sound In My Leg. A Couple Of Days Later I Went Into A Coma And Was Diagnosed With A Pulmonary Embolism.

My School Days Were The Happiest Days Of My Life; Which Should Give You Some Indication Of The Misery I've Endured Over The Past Twenty-five Years.

When I Was Nine I Spent A Lot Of My Time Reading Books About The History Of Comedy, Or Listening To The Goons Or Hancock, Humour From Previous Generations.

All Disc Jockeys Are Without Talent. Noel Edmonds - I Can't Stand Noel Edmonds.