When I Listen To Those

I Think Tobacco And Alcohol Warnings Are Too General. They Should Be More To The Point: 'people Who Smoke Will Eventually Cough Up Small Pieces Of Lung.'... And 'warning!! Alcohol Will Turn You Into The Same Jerk Your Father Was.'

My Tombstone? I'm Thinking Something Along The Lines Of, 'geez, He Was Just Here A Minute Ago.'

The Owner Of A Florida Massage Parlor Has Been Arrested By Police. "there Weren't Any Serious Violations," Said The Officers, "she Just Rubbed Us The Wrong Way."

I Use The Word 'fat'. I Use That Word Because That's What People Are: They're Fat. They're Not Bulky; They're Not Large, Chunky, Hefty Or Plump. And They're Not Big-boned. Dinosaurs Were Big-boned. These People Are Not Overweight: This Term Somehow Implies There Is Some Correct Weight... There Is No Correct Weight. Heavy Is Also A Misleading Term. An Aircraft Carrier Is Heavy; It's Not Fat. Only People Are Fat, And That's What Fat People Are! They're Fat !

A Lot Of Times When They Catch A Guy Who Killed Twenty-seven People, They Say, He Was A Loner. Well, Of Course He Was A Loner; He Killed Everyone He Came In Contact With.