We Deserve Quality Lives With

I Hope The Jews Did Kill Christ, I'd Do It Again In A Second.

As A Kid, I Was Terrified. I Was A Bed Wetter And I Had To Go To Sleepaway Camp Every Summer, Which Was Humiliating And Terrifying. I Had Lots Of Insecurities And Scaredness. I Covered It With Being Funny And Tough, But It's Hard To Be Tough When You're Making Your Cot In Your Bunk Over Soaking Wet Sheets And Acting Like Nobody Can Smell Anything.

I Like Trying Jokes And Seeing The Response, And If I End Up Doing It In My Act, It Won't Be 140 Characters. Twitter Is Helpful That Way To Me. It's Like A Message In A Bottle. But A Lot Of Times I Think I Tweet The Stuff I Would Like To Say To Teenage Me.

I Don't Set Out To Offend Or Shock, But I Also Don't Do Anything To Avoid It.

I Just Look Like A Transvestite When I Try To Dress Up. There's No Place To Hide My Balls.