To Me, The Stand Up

When I Got Out Of High School, I Wanted To Be An Actor But Was Getting A Lot Of Rejections. I Was Getting Rejected By Life. My Mother, God Rest Her Soul, Told Me Not To Quit.

Show Business Is My Life. When I Was A Kid I Sold Insurance, But Nobody Laughed.

I've Got An Accountant Who's Been With Me Forty Years. If He Makes A Mistake, He Dies.

People Think Being In Your Seventies Means Sitting Around In A Chair With A Blanket Over Your Legs, Drooling.

They Always Use The Word 'insult' With Me, But I Don't Hurt Anybody. I Wouldn't Be Sitting Here If I Did. I Make Fun Of Everybody And Exaggerate All Our Insecurities.