There Are Only Three Ways

Why Are We Working So Hard To Preserve Iraq, A Fake Country To Begin With? Why Do We Care Whether This Fake Country That Was Drawn On The Map 100 Years Ago Remains?

Reverend Ted Haggard's Followers Still Think He's Not Gay. I'm Not Kidding. In Their World, There Are No Gay People. There Are Just Straight People Who Are Sinning. They Don't Want To Do It, But The Devil Makes Them! He Targets People Like Reverend Ted. That's How It Happened. The Devil Got Hold Of Reverend Ted, And Ted Said, 'get Thee Behind Me, Satan! And Put It In, Gently'.

Just Be Happy That Something Traveled 5,000 Miles Across The Pacific And, For Once, It Wasn't Your Job.

New Rule: Since Our New National Position On Science Is, "screw It, We Prefer Witchcraft," Let's Not Just Retire The Space Shuttle Atlantis. Let's Drive It To One Of The Five Stupidest States And Have The Locals Beat It With Sticks. Putting It In A Museum Is Too Dangerous. Someone Could Steal It, Fly It Into Space And Notice We Revolve Around The Sun.

The Car Bomb Was Fertilizer, Gasoline, Fireworks And Propane Tanks...still Safer Than A Toyota.