There Are Only Three Ways

I Think The Funniest Stuff Comes From The Heaviest Stuff.

To Me, Being Brave Is An Element That Is So Important With Stand-up Comedy. It's Not Essential. There Are Many Comics Who Were Just Funny, And That's Fine, Too. But That's Never Been What I Was Trying To Do In Comedy. I Was Always Trying To Do Something That Involved Not Pandering To The Audience.

Don't You Miss The Days When America Was Just Morally Bankrupt?

People, Especially The Liberals, Just Live In This World Where If Anything Is Said That Offends Anybody Even A Little Bit, Not Only Does That Person Have To Apologize; Sometimes They Have To Go Away Forever. Go Away, Bad Person. My Analysis Of This Is That Most Of Us Don't Do Anything Decent In Our Life. I'm Not Saying We're Evil. I'm Just Saying We Don't Make A Contribution, So The Way They [liberals] Think They're Making A Contribution Is To Point At The Bad People [which] Is Somehow Even More Pathetic.

Hot Women Have To Stop Putting Long Paragraphs Of Text On Their Bodies. I Know You Think It's Sexy But One Thing That Men Never Think Is, "gee, You Know What Would Make This Sex Better? Having Something To Read."