The Bp President Said Yesterday

The 'tonight Show' Didn't Seem Like An Actual Job That You Could Have. All You Remember Is You Watched Johnny Carson, And You Never Thought He Would Retire.

Vladimir Putin Bribed A Soccer Official With A Picasso Painting So He Would Support Russia's Bid To Host The 2018 World Cup. Putin Was Like, 'it Wasn't Picasso, Just Picture Of What His Face Would Look Like If He Said No.' (nose Over Here, Eye Up Here, Ear In Forehead.)

In An Interview, President Obama Said He Recently Deejayed A Small Dance Party At The White House. Obama Has A Lot In Common With Deejays. He Takes Requests And Then Completely Ignores Them.

A New Study Found That Americans Are Exercising More Than Ever But Still Not Losing Much Weight. Not Good In Fact, It's All I Could Think About On My Jog To Dunkin' Donuts.

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie Is Going To Israel. He's Going To Be Pretty Disappointed When He Finds Out The Gaza Strip Isn't A Steak.