Sober Alkies Are Often Asked:

Andy Warhol Said That In The Future Everyone Will Be Famous For 15 Minutes. Facebook Is Exactly Like That Except You're Not Really Famous And Your 15 Minutes Goes On Forever.

Here In Los Angeles, School's Out For Summer. For Thousands Of School Kids, This Is The First Week Of Summer Vacation. And For Thousands Of Parents, It's The First Week Of Hell.

My Father Had A Very Unusual Psychic Ability, He Could Detect Water. It's Called Divining. He Would Use A Y-shaped U-branch, And He Could Find Water With That, Which Is A Very Impressive Skill In A Country Where It Rains 365 Days Of The Year.

Cannabis Always Made Me Paranoid; I Felt Like People Were Watching Me. And Now I'm Sober, And I've Got This Talk Show In The Middle Of The Night On Cbs, And I Now Know That No One Is Watching Me.

I Think I'll Be Scottish In Every Movie I Write. They Always Try To Talk Me Out Of It, But Woody Allen Is Always A Nebbish New Yorker. Why Shouldn't I Be A Goofy Glaswegian?