So I Was Still Guilty.

Sometimes I Had The Feeling That All Of Us In His Family Were Like Pets To Him. The Dog You Take For A Walk, The Cat You Play With And That Curls Up In Your Lap, Purring, To Be Stroked - You Can Be Fond Of Them, You Can Even Need Them To A Certain Extent, And Nonetheless The Whole Thing - Buying Pet Food, Cleaning Up The Cat Box, And Trips To The Vet - Is Really Too Much. Your Life Is Elsewhere.

...i Had To Point At Hanna. But The Finger I Pointed At Her Turned Back To Me. I Had Loved Her. I Tried To Tell Myself That I Had Known Nothing Of What She Had Done When I Chose Her. I Tried To Talk Myself Into The State Of Innocence In Which Children Love Their Parents. But Love Of Our Parents Is The Only Love For Which We Are Not Responsible. ...and Perhaps We Are Responsible Even For The Love We Feel For Our Parents.

Does Everyone Feel This Way? When I Was Young, I Was Perpetually Overconfident Or Insecure. Either I Felt Completely Useless, Unattractive, And Worthless, Or That I Was Pretty Much A Success, And Everything I Did Was Bound To Succeed. When I Was Confident, I Could Overcome The Hardest Challenges. But All It Took Was The Smallest Setback For Me To Be Sure That I Was Utterly Worthless. Regaining My Self-confidence Had Nothing To Do With Success...whether I Experienced It As A Failure Or Triumph Was Utterly Dependent On My Mood.

In The Past, I Had Particularly Loved Her Smell. She Always Smelled Freshed, Freshly Washed Or Of Freshed Laundry Or Fresh Sweat Or Freshly Loved

I Asked Her About Life, And It Was As If She Rummaged Around In A Dusty Chest To Get Me The Answers.