Seriously, I've Just Realized That

One Afternoon A Girl Walked By In A Bikini And My Cousin Janet Scoffed, “look At The Hips On Her.” I Panicked. What About The Hips? Were They Too Big? Too Small? What Were My Hips? I Didn’t Know Hips Could Be A Problem. I Thought There Was Just Fat Or Skinny. This Was How I Found Out That There Are An Infinite Number Of Things That Can Be “incorrect” On A Woman’s Body.

When Actors Are Too Good-looking, I Can’t Memorize Them. For Example, I Have Never Seen A Picture Of Sienna Miller Where I Didn’t Say, “that Girl’s Pretty. Who Is That?

Luxury Cruises Were Designed To Make Something Unbearable (a Two Week Transatlantic Crossing) Seem Bearable. There's No Need To Do It Now, There Are Planes. You Wouldn't Take A Vacation Where You Ride On A Stage Coach For Two Months But There's All-you-can-eat Shrimp. You Wouldn't Take A Vacation Where You Had An Old-timey Appendectomy Without Anesthesia While Steel Drums Play. You Might Take A Vacation While Riding On A Camel For Two Days If They Gave You Those Little Animal Towels Wearing Your Sunglasses.

I Was A Little Excited But Mostly Blorft. "blorft" Is An Adjective I Just Made Up That Means 'completely Overwhelmed But Proceeding As If Everything Is Fine And Reacting To The Stress With The Torpor Of A Possum.' I Have Been Blorft Every Day For The Past Seven Years.

At The Request Of The Catholic Church, A Three-day Sex Orgy To Be Held Near Rio De Janeiro Was Cancelled Last Friday. So Instead I Spent The Weekend Cleaning My Apartment.