Reciting Lines Is Hard; Making

You Know How Some People Have Gay-dar? I Have Fat-dar. I Can Automatically Tell If You're Fat Or Not. And I Also Have Cerebral-palsy-dar.

I Do Whatever Comes My Way. But I Get Burned Out On Stage. It's A Lonely World. I Think Part Of The Romanticism About Being On The Road Is You Get To Meet A Lot Of - My Mom Once Told Me, "you've Probably Got A Woman At Every Port." Like I'm A Pirate. Obviously She Doesn't Know Her Son That Well.

I Don't Want My Personal Life To Change. I Don't Understand Why People Strive For Fame. I Know It's Ironic For Me To Be Saying This, But This Will Be The Last One I Do.

I Don't Mean To Be Gross, But The Only Time It's Good To Yell "i Have Diarrhea" Is When You're Playing Scrabble Because It's Worth A Shitload Of Points.

I Think Comedy Is A Really, Really Good Tool For Trying To Say Something.