President Obama Invited John Mccain

The Church Has Historically Been Very Slow To Embrace Technology. Until Very Recently, Their Idea Of A Laptop Was An Altar Boy.

Eunice Kennedy Shriver, President Kennedy's Sister, Endorsed Arnold Schwarzenegger, Said He's Not A Womanizer. Of Course By Kennedy Standards That Means He Never Drove One Off A Bridge.

I Want To Just Take A Moment To Thank The Teabaggers. Thank You So Much For Helping Us Pass Health Care, For Resurrecting The Obama Presidency. I Know They're Saying, 'why Are You Thanking Me? I Was So Against It, I Marched On Washington With Tea Bags Hanging Off My Founding Fathers Costume, With A Gun On My Hip And A Picture Of Obama Dressed As Hitler, Screaming About His Birth Certificate.' And America Saw That And Said, 'i Think I'll Go With The Calm Black Man.'

People Sometimes Say How Standup Is So Hard, And I Always Tell Them That It's Hard At The Beginning.

Rick Santorum Beat Mitt Romney In Three States On Tuesday. Got A Huge Amount Of Fundraising. That's The Good News For Rick Santorum. The Bad News: People Are Now Googling 'santorum.'