Once You Have A Phd,

Really, All Religious Teachings Can Be Boiled Down To: “just Be Cool. Don’t Be An Asshole.

If Properly Dried And Trimmed, New York-style Pizza Could Be Used To Make A Box For Chicago-style Pizza. I Love A Slice When I'm In Nyc, But It's Like Eating A Slim Jim Compared With A Filet Mignon. One Slice Of Gino's East Stuffed Sausage Pizza Is A Bigger Meal Than An Entire New York Pie.

I Have A Ridiculously Beautiful Wife Who's Super Sexy, And As Long As She's Happy With Me, I Don't Need To Look In The Mirror And Think, "how Do I Stack Up Next To Bradley Cooper? Would Cooper Rock This Shirt?" Doesn't Matter. He Does Not Have Your Wife. You Do.

I'm A Very Intermediate Sax Player, But Now That Rob Lowe Is On My Show, I Had To Cop To Him. Like, 'dude Your Ridiculous Fake Sax Playing [in St. Elmo's Fire] Inspired Me To Pick Up A Horn.'

I Keep Having These Bros Come Up To Me And Say, "i Used To Watch You When I Was A Fetus," And I Just Want To Kill Them.