Obama Has Had More Fundraisers

New Rule: Food Companies Must Face The Facts: One Container Equals One Serving. Look, We’re Americans, And That Means Once We Open The Bag, There’s No Stopping Us Until We’re Licking Stray Bits Of Powdered Cheese Off The Carpet. So Stop Trying To Give Us Nutritional Information Based On A Fraction Of The Package. It Assumes A Talent For Two Things That We’re Really Not Capable Of: Restraint And Math.

The Great Thing About Having Been Poor Is How Liberated It Makes You If You Eventually Become Rich. There's Nothing Like The Knowledge That You Don't Need Money To Survive. That The Money Cushion You Lie On Every Night Doesn't Have To Be Three Feet Thick, And You Can Still Get To Sleep.

Russia Has Banned All Adoptions To Americans. So, If You Were Hoping To Get A Little White Kid With Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, You're Going To Have To Wait Until Lindsay Lohan Reproduces.

Recognition Is One Of The Three Big Elements Of Comedy.

President Bush Is Supporting Arnold But A Lot Of Republicans Are Not, Because He Is Actually Quite Liberal. Karl Rove Said If His Father Wasn't A Nazi, He Wouldn't Have Any Credibility With Conservatives At All.