Now, They Say That New

I Can Pretty Much Guarantee That If I Do A Show In A Comedy Club, There Will Be Someone Who Will Come Out Of The Audience And Tell Me The Worst Joke Ever. It's Just A Guarantee.

I Don't Know If Watching Chaz Bono Will Turn Your Kids Into Transsexuals, But I'm Pretty Sure That Letting Them Watch Keith Ablow Will Turn Them Into Assholes

The Republicans Are The Party Of Bad Ideas. The Democrats Are The Party Of No Ideas.

What I've Found In My Career Is That 70 To 75 Percent Of Comics Are Nice And Have Some Sense Of Social Skills, But There Are Those Who End Up In Comedy Because They Don't Know How To Socialize. I Don't Want To Deal With That Group.

This Is What I've Been Waiting For My Whole Life. A President Who's Not Afraid To Tell The Truth About Being A Lying A**hole.