No-one Gets Beaten To Death

This Week A Man Was Arrested For Jumping Over The White House Fence And Trying To Spray Paint A Political Message. If That Guy Really Wanted To Get A Message To The President, He Could Have Just Written It In An Email To Literally Anyone.

A Group Called Draft Biden 2016 Has Started Selling Bumper Stickers That Say 'i'm Ridin' With Biden.' It's A Lot Better Than The Other One That Women Around The White House Have Started Using - 'i'm Hidin' From Biden.'

In A New Poll Of Democratic Voters, Presidential Candidate Lincoln Chafee Came In With Zero Percent Support. Or In Other Words: We're All Tied With Presidential Candidate Lincoln Chafee.

Regis Philbin's Back In Primetime, Hosting 11 New Episodes Of 'who Wants To Be A Millionaire.' But Because Of Obama's Tax Plan, It's Been Re-titled 'who Wants To Win Just Under $250,000.'

The Heroic New York Doctor Who Caught Ebola Has Been Declared Ebola Free. President Obama Called The Doctor To Thank Him For His Selflessness And Compassion. Then To Be Safe, Obama Threw His Phone In A Trash Can And Lit It On Fire.