Most People Are Dead. Hitler.

I Don't Stop Eating When I'm Full. The Meal Isn't Over When I'm Full. It's Over When I Hate Myself.

It’s Been A Very Old Thing For People To Gather Together And Laugh At Stuff. The First Comedian In America Really Was Abraham Lincoln. He Used To Go To A Pub Near Where He Lived And Stand In Front Of The Fire And He Packed The Place Every Night And He Would Just Talk And Bust Everybody In Their Guts. He Was Just A Hilarious Speaker And That’s What He Did.

I Did A Show In New Jersey In The Auditorium Of A Technical High School ... Technical High School, That's Where Dreams Are Narrowed Down. We Tell Our Children, "you Can Do Anything You Want." Their Whole Lives. "you Can Do Anything!" But This Place, We Take Kids - They're 15, They're Young - And We Tell Them, "you Can Do Eight Things. We Got It Down To Eight For You."

Rob Mcelhenney Who Runs 'it's Always Sunny In Philadelphia.' That Show Absolutely Kills Me And I Am Stunned By The Consistency Of Greatness It Has Maintained Over What Is Now A Record Breaking Amount Of Seasons ... How Do You Do That For So Many Years? My 14-year-old Daughter And I Watch It Together And We Both Laugh Crazy Hard.

People Come Back From Flights And Tell You A Story Like It's A Horror Story. That's How Bad They Make It Sound. They're Like, 'it Was The Worst Day Of My Life. We Didn't Board For 20 Minutes And They Made Us Sit There On The Runway For 40 Minutes.' Oh Really? What Happened Next? Did You Fly In The Air, Incredibly, Like A Bird? Did You Partake In The Miracle Of Human Flight You Non-contributing Zero?'