Jeez Banana! Shut Your Freaking

I've Been Watching 'american Idol' Since Its Debut Season In 2002. Back Then, America Hadn't Yet Evolved Into A Gladiatorial Cybernation Of Bloggers, Tweeters, And Self-ordained Voice Coaches.

The Fashion Industry Isn't Merely Content To Encase My Meaty Flanks In Skintight Denim. Oh, No! That Denim Also Has To Be White, A Color That Attracts Ketchup, Wine, Garlic Aioli, And Any Other Foodstuffs I Might Otherwise Be Able To Enjoy If I Wasn't Wearing Ridiculously Tight Pants.

A Few Months Ago, I Had The Pleasure Of Actually Visiting The Playboy Mansion. I Saw The Peacocks, Fed Grapes To The Monkeys, And Even Braved The Fabled Grotto. After Seeing The Estate, I Understood Why Anyone Would Be Reluctant To Leave.

I Think Sometimes People Really Require The Satisfaction Of Closure.

I'm Glad That As A 33-year-old Working Mother, I Can Still Choose To Wear A Hello Kitty T-shirt Or Stay Up Late Scrolling Through The Twitter Feed Of My Junior-high Crush.