It's Something I've Always Kicked

I Don't Think I've Ever Seen Pie Advertised. That's How You Know It's Good. They Advertise Ice Cream And Other Desserts. They Advertise The Bejeeezus Out Of Yogurt, But I Haven't Seen One Pie Commercial.

I Get Depressed At Airports.

In My Early 20s I Was So Miserable Doing Construction, I Wanted Something That Paid Money. I Liked Nice Stuff. I Liked Cars And Architecture, And Things That Cost Money. I Wanted To Not Swing A Hammer, And Make Money… And Not Do Stuff That Was Dirty. I Attempted To Get Into Comedy. I Started To Do Stand-up, But I Wasn’t Very Good At It.

As I Said In My Last Book, Birds Are Mean. They're The Only Pet That, When They Escape, The Owners Are Relieved. You Can Tell A Species Is Evil By Doing This Simple Math. If My Blond Lab Molly Was The Size Of T-rex, That Would Just Mean More Kibble, More Work For The Gardener In The Backyard, And A Harder Time Moving Her To My Wife's Side Of The Bed At Night. If Birds Were The Size Of A T-rex, The Streets Would Be Littered With Human Remains.

Life Is Just The Time Between Crapping Yourself.