It's Just A Big Excuse

My Last Name Is Szekely. Sounds Like Saykay. When I Was A Little Kid I Had An Instructor In Camp Who Called Me Shnizneckely. He Would Make Fun Of My Name And It Hurt My Feelings Because I Was A Little Pussy And I Cried. He Said, 'well, How Do You Say It?' I Said, Seekay. So He Wrote 'c.k' On My Jersey And Everything. He Made My Name 'c.k' And I Just Stuck With It.

Last Week I Got A Flu That I Caught, 'cause My Daughter Coughed ... Into My Mouth.

I Don't Have A Room Full Of Writers Pitching Ideas. It's Just Me Out Of My Head.

We Have White People Problems In America. You Know What That Is? That's When Your Life Is Amazing, So You Just Make Stuff Up To Get Worried About.

You Could Drive A Rental Car Until You Don't Want It. Just Get Out Of It While It's Moving And Just Walk Away. No, I Don't Feel Like Being In That Car Any Longer. Just Call Hertz. Hi, Your Car Is Drifting Into The Intersection Of 28th And Broadway, If You're Interested. It's Now Your Problem.