It Feels Like Every Day

I Know About Woodstock Probably As Much As Your Average Person Who Is Over 30, Where I'd Know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.

A Wednesday With No Rain Is A Dry Hump Day.

I Set A Personal Record On Christmas. I Got My Shopping Done Three Weeks Ahead Of Time. I Had All The Presents Back At My Apartment, I Was Halfway Through Wrapping Them, And I Realized, 'damn, I Used The Wrong Wrapping Paper.' The Paper I Used Said, 'happy Birthday.' I Didn't Want To Waste It, So I Just Wrote 'jesus' On It.

If I Ever Saw An Amputee Getting Hanged, I'd Probably Just Start Calling Out Letters.

If You Remove A Treehouse From A Tree, Than It's Just A Shitty House. Sometimes When I'm In A Shitty House, I Like To Imagine That It's In A Tree, Than It's Like Woah, This House Is Amazing.