I'm Actually A Really Nice

About A Month Ago Some Kids In My Neighborhood Were Playing Hide-and-go-seek And One Of Them Ended Up In An Abandoned Refrigerator. It's All Anybody Talked About For Weeks. I Said, 'who Cares? How Many Kids You Know Get To Die A Winner?

My Girlfriend Has The Greatest Story As To Why She Isn't Religious Anymore. When She Was A Kid, Like 12 Years Old, Her Parents Nailed A 25 Pound Crucifix To The Wall Right Above Her Bed. About Two Weeks Later, In The Middle Of The Night, The Crucifix Falls Off The Wall And Leaves A Two Inch Gash In The Back Of Her Dad's Head.

I'm Trying To Teach My Girlfriend How To Surf. But I Just End Up Yelling At Her The Whole Time. Because I Don't Know How To Surf.

It Was Important To Me To Be Cool As A Comedian. I Didn't Want To Be A Crowd-pleaser Who Sent Out The Vibe Of, "i Need You Guys." I Wanted To Be So Cool That The Audience Could Leave And I Would Still Be Killing, That I Didn't Want To Have To Rely On Them Or Need Them. That Really Appealed To Me.

I Like To Read, But Otherwise I'm Just Your Average, Self-obsessed Comedian. It's Pretty Much All I Think About.