If You Have Trouble With

I Have A Friend Who Actually Told Me That She'd Rather Be Dead Than Be Fat. This Is A Woman Who, If I Order A Sandwich At Lunch, She'll Order A Salad. If I Order A Salad, She'll Order Half A Cantaloupe. If I Order Half A Cantaloupe, She'll Order A Cup Of Coffee. This Bizarre Contest Continues Until She's Down To Sucking On A Mint-flavored Toothpick. At This Rate, Her Preference For Dying Over Being Fat Could Be A Reality Sooner Than She Thinks.

You Know, I'm A Comedian The Same As Bill Maher And Jon Stewart. We All Came Up The Same Way. The Three Of Us Have Interest In Politics; I Call Us Fundits, We're Fundits! We're Not Pundits!

As Socrates I Believe Said The Unexamined Life Is Not Worth Living. I Believe That's True. I Do Believe That.

I Think Looks Do Matter On Television.

I Don't Need A Diet Pill. I Need Something That Gives You An Electric Shock When You Reach For Food.