I Wouldn't Know How To

Amsterdam Has More Than 150 Canals And 1,250 Bridges, But It Never Seems Crowded, Nor Bent And Bitter From Fleecing The Tourist.

I Didn't Cry When I Left Free-booting, Smash-and-grab Papers That Would Have Appeared To Be Far More Natural Homes For Me And, At The Risk Of Being Vulgar, Paid Far Better For My Services.

Grooming Oneself With All The Crazed Compulsion Of An Under-exercised Lab Rat In Order To Hook A Rich Man And Obtain A Lush Lifestyle Makes A Certain (albeit Seedy) Sense.

And Call Me A Pig, But Isn't It Brilliantly Refreshing How Early The Dutch Eat Dinner? When They're Still Laying Out The Cutlery In Achingly Hip Barcelona, They're Hanging The Closed Sign On The Restaurant Doors Of Old Amsterdam.

What Sort Of Sap Doesn't Know By Now That Picture-perfect Beauty Is All Done With Smoke And Mirrors Anyway?