I Was In A Convenience

People Ask Me For My Autograph After A Show. I'm Not Famous, I Think They're Messing With Me. I Think They're Trying To Make Me Late For Something.

Mr. Pibb Is A Poor Imitation Of Dr. Pepper. Dude Didn't Even Get His Degree.

I Wish They Made Fajita Cologne, Because That Stuff Smells Good. What's That You're Wearing? That's Sizzlin'!

I Play The Guitar. I Taught Myself How To Play The Guitar, Which Was A Bad Decision... Because I Didn't Know How To Play It, So I Was A Shitty Teacher. I Would Never Have Went To Me.

I Don't Think Stand-up Is Being Appreciated As Much As It Could Be And I Don't Think It Has For A Long Time. There's Some Great Stand-up Comics Who Come To A Town And If They're Not A Name, They Don't Attract A Crowd But In Reality There Are Brilliant People Out There.