I Was A Thirteen-year-old Boy

There Were Times When I Was Broke, When I Was Down In Florida And I Had To Go To Cocktail Parties For 500 Bucks - To See The Guy That Used To Be In Pictures. I'm Not Ashamed Of That. I've Never Done Anything That I Was Ashamed Of. I've Done A Lot Of Things I Didn't Mean To Do.

My Marriage License Reads, 'to Whom It May Concern,'

I've Been Short All My Life. And If Anyone Wonders What My Dying Wish Will Be, They Can Stop Wondering. That Will Be Easy. I'll Just Tell Them, 'i'll Have A Short Bier.'

And That's The Way I Have Always Lived, For The Laughs – Today. N-o-w. No Other Way.

Had I Been Brighter, The Ladies Been Gentler, The Scotch Been Weaker, Had The Gods Been Kinder, Had The Dice Been Hotter, This Could Have Been A One-sentence Story: Once Upon A Time I Lived Happily Ever After.