I Used To Do Drugs.

If My Kid Couldn't Draw I'd Make Sure That My Kitchen Magnets Didn't Work.

I Can Whistle With My Fingers, Especially If I Have A Whistle.

I Had A Paper Route When I Was A Kid. I Was Supposed To Go To 2,000 Houses. Or Two Dumpsters.

I Guess The One-liner Kind Of Comic Sounds Like A Guy Who Can Talk And Talk And Whatever The Subject Is, He Can Pull Out A One-liner, But I Couldn't Do That. I Didn't Like The Association. I Mean, I Love Steven Wright, But So Many People Started Saying "steven Wright" To Me, And I Would Get Mad, Because I Never Wanted To Be Thought Of As Copying Anybody.

Xylophone Is Spelled With An X. That's Wrong. It Should Be A Z Up Front. Next Time You Spell Xylophone, Use A Z. If Someone Says, "that's Wrong!", You Say, "no, It Ain't." If You Think That's Wrong, Then You Need To Have Your Head Z-rayed.