I Spent Most Of My

I Recently Bought Extreme Chunky Peanut Butter. I Opened It Up.. .it Was Just Peanuts. Wow That Is Extreme!

It's Strange How Interesting Your Dreams Are, But When Someone Tries To Tell You Their Dream You're Just Like "whatever! Why Don't You Send Me An E-mail So I Can Delete It?"

Why Do You Have To Be Out Of Town To Write A Postcard? I Want A To Write A Postcard To My Neighbor: "i Still Live Near You!" The Guy Sees Me Go Into My Apartment, Flips The Card Over, It's Just A Picture Of Me Holding A Rifle.

I Think Comedians Get Too Much Credit Or Too Much Criticism For The Style Of Comedy They Do, And They Generally Do The Style Of Comedy That Works For Them. [...] There's No Kind Of Shrewd Calculation Going Into The Type Of Standup We All Do. It's Like David Cross Is Supposed To Be Doing The David Cross' Type Of Standup.

Actually, The Reason I Look Like This Is Because My Father Was From Sweden And My Mother Was Elton John.