I Mean, I'm A Writer,

So For Front-runners We Have A Black And A Woman. It's Like Being Made To Choose Between Syphilis Or Having And Old Man Crap On Your Face. I Would Do The Country A Favor And Run Myself But I Couldn't Deprive Hollywood Of Me For 4 Years.

I Once Looked In The Mirror At Myself And Noticed That, Without A Doubt, I Am A Sexy Man. In Fact, I Don't Think I'll Ever Get Married...it Just Wouldn't Be Fair For My Spouse To Catch Me Enjoying A Look In The Mirror More Than Having Sex With Her.

I'm A Busy Guy; I Just Get A Lot Of People That Sound Like Me To Go Out And Visit Them. They Don't Know The Difference And, Let's Face It, They Aren't Going To Be Paying To See My Movies Anytime Soon.

I Figure It This Way - If A Woman Claims She Didn't Want Me To Fudge Her, Then You Already Know She's A Liar. So What The Hell's The Point Of A Trial, Y'know?

Turning Water To Wine? I Mean C'mon, That's Stupid. They Should Have Let Me Write The Bible.