I Love Trains. It's The

Sometimes I'm Dragging My Ass Out To The Airport At 8 A.m. On A Saturday And I'm Wondering Why I'm Doing This, But Once I Walk On Stage I Know Why...because I'm Addicted.

New Rule: Food Companies Must Face The Facts: One Container Equals One Serving. Look, We’re Americans, And That Means Once We Open The Bag, There’s No Stopping Us Until We’re Licking Stray Bits Of Powdered Cheese Off The Carpet. So Stop Trying To Give Us Nutritional Information Based On A Fraction Of The Package. It Assumes A Talent For Two Things That We’re Really Not Capable Of: Restraint And Math.

I Love The Tea Party. They Are The Ultimate Beer Goggles. They Make Everything Look Better.

Women Cannot Complain About Men Anymore Until They Start Getting Better Taste In Them.

I Don't Believe In A Lot Of Things From The Bronze Age, But An Eye For An Eye Does Make A Sort Of Symmetrical Sense To Me. I Really Believe That If Somebody Takes A Life, That [death Penalty] Is What They Should Get. I Also Think It's A Lot More Humane Than Keeping People In A Cage For The Rest Of Their Life.