I Like My Coffee Like

My Dad Said, "as Long As You're Happy." I Used To Think It Was Kind Of A Very Simple Idea Or Philosophy Because He Wasn't Religious. But You've Got To Try And Be Happy. And If You're Not Happy, You Can't Help Anyone Else. So Obviously, Some Crazy People Could Go To Places, But I Just Think You Need To Be Content Within Yourself, So That's The Thing.

Puberty Is The Sickest Joke God Plays On Us. So You're Just Noticing Members Of The Sex: "girls Girls, Ooo". Naturally You Want To Look Your Best, And God Says "no! You Will Look The Worst You've Ever Looked In Your Life!"

What Was The First Cat That Talked A Human Into Putting A Cat Door In?

In Stand-up It Really Helps To Play Yourself And Talk About Your Own Feelings. You Cannot Fail To Be Original If You're Just Talking About What You Think About X, Y And Z. Unless You've Got A Twin Brother Who's Also A Stand-up.

They Say The Universe Started With A Big Bang. I Hope Everybody Stood Well Back.