I Haven't Reached Nirvana Yet,

It Was So Cold In New York City Today That The Statue Of Liberty Had Her Torch Under Her Dress.

There's A Rumor That President George Bush Had A Nose Job, That He Had Some Kind Of Plastic Surgery, That He Actually Had A Nose Job. If This Is True, That's The First New Job He's Created Since Taking Office.

I Knew That If I Woke Up Hung Over, I Couldn't Do The Best Possible Job On The Show, So I Had To Quit. Also, I'd Consumed A Lot Of Beer For A Lot Of Years, And I Thought, That's Enough. I've Had My Fun And I'm Glad I Quit.

Over In Afghanistan, Osama Stuck His Head Out Of The Cave And Saw A Shadow. So, That Means Six More Weeks Of Bombing.

Ted Cruz Could Be President Of The United States. If You Thought The Secret Service Was Drinking Before