I Don't Even Know What

I've Wanted To Feel Pleasure To The Point Of Insanity. They Call It Getting High, Because It's Wanting To Know That Higher Level, That Godlike Level. You Want To Touch The Heavens, You Want To Feel Glory And Euphoria, But The Trick Is It Takes Work. You Can't Buy It, You Can't Get It On A Street Corner, You Can't Steal It Or Inject It Or Shove It Up Your Ass, You Have To Earn It.

...for The First Time In My Life, A Voice Went Off In My Head:'you Have No Power Over What Happens In Your Life. Drugs Dictate Exactly What You're Going To Do. You've Taken Your Hands Off The Steering Wheel, And You're Going Wherever The Drug World Takes You.' That Had Never Changed. The Feeling Would Well Up Inside Of Me, And No Matter How Much I Loved My Girl Or My Band Or My Friends Or My Family, When That Siren Song 'go Get High Now' Started Playing In My Head, I Was Off.

It Was Because All We Wanted Was Each Other's Constant Love And Attention And For No One Else To Receive That Love And Attention, Which Is A Selfish And Difficult Place To Be In A Relationship. We Were Emotionally Retarded, And That Was The Best We Could Do At The Time.

I Stopped Hating And Started Just Being. My Whole Life, I Had Been The Most Defensive Person You'd Meet, Unable To Tolerate Any Criticism. But Now I Started Listening And Being.

I Never Felt Like Dying Was A Good Idea.