I Don't Care What Anybody

Any Comic Can Get On The Radio Show And Be Funny. You Can Get That On Any Morning Radio Show Or Afternoon Radio Show. There Are Plenty Of People Who Do That. It's Not A Difficult Format, To Sit Around With Two Or Three Comics And Be Funny.

I Used To Be Jealous; I'm Not Jealous Anymore. And A Miracle Happened To Me, Because If You're Jealous, It's A Cancer, It's A Plague On Your Spirit, It Really Is. And I Actually Cured Jealousy In A Very Weird Way - I Cured It With Mathematics. And I'm Not A Math Person At All, But I've Been With My Wife For About Seven Years, So We Have Had Sex Probably, I'd Like To Think, Like, 9 Million Times Or, At Least, 1,500. So, The Way I Figured It, If She Goes Out And Screws Some Other Guy Once - I'm Still Winning.

The Way I Figure It, If You Can't Tell I'm High By Looking At Me, I Win.

That’s The Big Challenge Of Life—to Chisel Disappointment Into Wisdom So People Respect You And You Don’t Annoy Your Friends With Your Whining.

I'm Not A Racist. It's Really Case By Case; It's Not Ethnicity Specific. It's Just The Way I React To Things That Are Different. I Think That's Normal. Everyone's Nervous When They're Confronted With Things That They Don't Understand Or Are Different. That's A Normal Human Reaction. It Doesn't Become Racist 'til You Say Things Like, 'oh, There's A Lot Of Them.'