I Didn't Become A Comedian

People Tend To Call Me Names That I Can't Repeat On Basic Cable. I Will Give You A Hint. They Rhyme With Itch, Hunt, & Bore.

Why He Would Agree To Install An Eight-by-eight-foot Fish Tank And Then Not Fill It With A Single Dolphin Made Me Want To Burn His Eyebrows Off.

Rumer Willis Was Having A Great Time At The Opening Of A Club When Her Twin Walked In, Also Known As Her Dad, Bruce Willis. How Embarrassing For Her, She's Out With Her Friends And They're Like, 'umm, Rumer, I Think Your Dad Put Something In My Drink.'

When I Don't Know What To Do, I Just Open My Mouth. Why Won't Anyone Date Me?

A Federal Grand Jury Is Investigating Allegations That David Copperfield Raped, Assaulted And Threatened A Woman He Took To His Private Island In The Bahamas In July. What Happened To The Good Old Days When A Guy Would Just Saw You In Half?