I Cannot Sing, Dance Or

Former President Bush, To Celebrate His 80th Birthday, Jumped Out Of An Airplane. And If You've Seen The Polls, You Know He's Not The Only Bush In Freefall.

John Boehner Is A Member Of A Country Club In Ohio. It Turns Out That The Bartender Was Plotting To Poison Boehner. Now Wait A Minute. Isn't That The Movie With Seth Rogen And James Franco?

I Wish The Iphone People Would Design One That's Black And Has Two Pieces, And It Plugs Into The Wall And You Can Pick One Piece Up And Talk Into It. I Tell You, The Whole Time I Had One Of Those Old-fashioned Plug-in Phones, Not Once Did I Misplace It.

Newt Gingrich Has Criticized 'new York Elites' Who Ride The Subway. One Of Those Subway Elites Threw Up On My Pants This Morning.

Fifteen Years Ago Tomorrow I Had Open Heart Surgery, A Quintuple Bypass Surgery. Thanks To All Of My Doctors. Because Of Them, In 15 Years Of Life I've Been Able To Experience, Well, Acid Reflux, Short-term Memory Loss, And Erectile Dysfunction. Thanks For All Your Work. It's Great To Be Alive.