I Can't Afford To Die;

I Was Brought Up To Respect My Elders, So Now I Don't Have To Respect Anybody.

When I Wasn't Working, I Put The Blame Directly Where It Belonged - I Blamed My Agent. When I Didn't Have An Agent, I Spent Time Looking For A New Agent So I Would Have Somebody To Blame.

I Use The Cigar For Timing Purposes. If I Tell A Joke, I Smoke As Long As They Laugh And When They Stop Laughing I Take The Cigar Out Of My Mouth And Start My Next Joke.

With The Collapse Of Vaudeville New Talent Has No Place To Stink.

Yale Men Do Not Like To Be Told Anything By People Who Didn't Go To Yale. The Closest I Came To Yale Was Once I Had One Of Their Padlocks.