Humor Is Based On Surprise,

I Tell Ya, If I Hadn't Chosen The Career Of Being A Performer, I Think Linguistics Would Have Been A Natural Area That I'd Have Loved - To Teach It, Probably, Language Has Always Fascinated Me. There's A Genetic Inheritance There A Good Language Gene, Which I Inherited [from My Mother And Grandfather] And She Fostered That In Me As He Fostered That In Her.

Little-known Fact: When The Stock Exchange Closes, The Guy Who Comes Out On The Balcony With That Big Hammer Slams It On The Head Of The Person Who Lost The Most Money That Day.

When I Was In Seventh Grade, I Was Caught Stealing Money From The Visiting Team's Locker Room During A Basketball Game. So I Was Sent To The Brothers. That's What They Called This Parochial School Up In Goshen, New York. I Was Supposed To Get Closer Supervision There And More "masculine Influence," Whatever That Means. But I Was Thrown Out For Telling A Couple Of Really Lame Kids On The Playground That I Had Heroin.

In The 'bullshit Department' A Businessman Can't Hold A Candle To A Clergyman.

Frisbeetarianism Is The Belief That When You Die, Your Soul Goes Up On The Roof And Gets Stuck.