Every Great Thing Starts With

Pain Only Hurts When You Are Looking For A Reason To Quit. You Don't Feel A Thing When You Know You Can Still Win.

I Have Never Even Had A Sip Of Alcohol, Never Have Done Drugs. The Hardest Thing I Have Ever Done Would Be Pepsi.

If You Use Tact You Can Say Anything, Then Make It Funny.

Ex-girlfriends Will Find Themselves In My New Routine. Sometimes They Like That, And Sometimes They Definitely Do Not. But Comedians Should Come With A Giant Warning Or Disclaimer: If You Date Me, It Will Be In My Act.

A Couple Of Days Back, I Got Into A Car Accident. Not My Fault. Even If It's Not Your Fault, The Other Person Gets Out Of Their Car And Looks At You Like It's Your Fault: Why Did You Stop At A Red Light And Let Me Hit You Doing 80!