Even In My Revenge Fantasy

Live Performance Really Terrifies Me. I Haven't Done It, Really, In Years. I Think That's Why I Retired From My Brief Career In Stand-up.

People Seem To Be Having These Awesome Sex Lives And I'm Just Trying To Find A Life Partner To Go Apple Picking With. What's Wrong With Me?

In High School, I Had Fun In My Academic Clubs, Watching Movies With My Girlfriends, Learning Latin, Having Long, Protracted, Unrequited Crushes On Older Guys Who Didn’t Know Me, And Yes, Hanging Out With My Family. I Liked Hanging Out With My Family! Later, When You’re Grown Up, You Realize You Never Get To Hang Out With Your Family. You Pretty Much Have Only Eighteen Years To Spend With Them Full Time, And That’s It.

I’ve Worked In Television For 10 Years Straight. If I Were A Man, It Wouldn’t Be Considered Strange [to Have Confidence] At All.

They Talk About How Men Are Chasers, But Women Are Just Like That Too. At Least A Lot Of The Women That I Know, Who Tend To Be Ambitious, Professionally Driven Women, They Love That. Like Seeking Something Professional That Is Hard To Get, I Think They Feel The Same Way About Men.