And The Closest I've Come

I Paused For A Light At Hamilton And Twlfth And Noticed The Nissan Was Running Rough At Idle. Two Blocks Later It Backfired And Stalled. I Coaxed It Into The Center Of The City. Ffft, Ffft, Ffft, Kapow! Ffft, Ffft, Ffft, Kapow! A Trans Am Pulled Up Next To Me At A Light. The Trans Am Was Filled With High School Kids. One Of Them Stuck His Head Out Of The Passenger-side Window. "hey Lady," He Said. "sounds Like You Got A Fartmobile." I Flipped Him An Italian Goodwill Gesture And Pulled The Ball Cap Low On My Forehead. (three To Get Deadly)

Some People Learn From Books, Some Listen To The Advice Of Others, Some Learn From Mistakes. I Fit Into The Last Category. So Sue Me.

Calories Don’t Count If They’re Connected To A Celebration. Everyone Knows This.

One Of The Men Gave Butch A Bunch Of Volts With A Stun Gun. The Rangeman Didn’t Move Fast Enough, And Butch Grabbed The Gun And Threw It Across The Room. “hunh,” Rangeman Guy Said. “yeah,” I Said. “been There, Done That.” “are You Sure He’s Human?” “maybe You Could Hook A Chain To The Flexicuffs On His Ankles And Drag Him Behind Your Car,” I Said. “we Tried That Once, And Ranger Didn’t Like It,” The Guy Said. “you Do Something Twice That Ranger Doesn’t Like, And You’re Out Of A Job And Damaged.

Maybe Your Pregnant. Oops, Hold On, You're Not Pregnant, On Account Of You're Not Gettin Any.