What If I Couldn't Read?

If Your Job Was Remotely Interesting, There Would Be A Show On A&e About It.

You Should Really Treat Stand-up Like You Would A Play. It's A One-man Play.

I Went To A Place Recently I Think Is One Of The Most F**ked Up Places I've Ever Been To. I'm Convinced This Place Is The Epitome Of American Excess, Of American Greed. I'm Talking About A Place Called Cold Stone Creamery. Whoa. If You Have Not Been There, The Basic Gist Of Cold Stone Is That They Take Ice Cream And Then They Just Go Ape Sh*t With It.

I Was A Dishwasher At One Of Those Japanese Places That Cook On Your Table. Not Too Fun.

I'm Kind Of Obsessed With Food. I Like To Eat. When I Tour, It's Like, Well, Like A Food Tour As Much As A Comedy Tour.