To Make A Squirrel Look

If You Can't Tell A Spoon From A Ladle, Then You're Fat!

I Do Come Across People Who Don't Like Me, Don't Like My Comedy, Don't Think It's Funny, It's Too Cutesy, Or Whatever They Hate. And It's Like, "okay. That's Your Opinion. Somebody Liked It, So That's Good." Hopefully It Balances Out.

If Someone Throws A Pie At Your Face, Just Open Your Mouth Really Wide And Say, 'thanks For Feeding Me, A**hole.'

I Got Some New Pajamas With Pockets In 'em. Which Is Great, Because Before That, I Used To Have To Hold Stuff When I Slept. But Now I'm Like, 'where's My Planner? There It Is. "keep Sleeping." All Right, Perfect.'

For Example, I Was A White House Intern The Summer Before I Dropped Out Of Law School. Everybody Knew About It. I'd Come Home And Go To Church And Everybody Would Say, Oh, My God. Demetri, You're Working At The White House.