Jobs That Require A Suit

A Lot Of People Find Themselves In The Entertainment Business - Or Perhaps Society Steers Them Toward It - Because They're Beautiful.

I Awaken. I Consume Oxygen, Then Bacon, Eggs And Black Coffee, Then My Wife, Then Bacon.

Turn Off Your Computer And Go Out Of Doors. Dig A Large Enough Hole To Transplant A Mature Apple Tree. Nurture The Tree, Feed It, Coddle It So That Its Fruit Will Be Ample, Bright And Firm. Practice Open-hand Strikes Against The Rough Bark Of The Trunk Until It's Time To Harvest. Choose The Champion Of Your Apple Crop, Pluck It From The Tree, And Beat Yourself About The Face And Tits With It Until Your Mettle Will Suffice.

People Keep Referring To Me As A Standup, And That Just Doesn't Sit Well With Me Because A Lot Of My Friends Are Standups And They're Brilliant At Writing Jokes, And I'm Not.

I Think The Whole Thing Is Kind Of Sad, Honestly, In The Same Way That Our Civilization - Particularly The Consumers Of Pop Culture - Has Grown So Used To An Emasculated, Bare-chested Leading Man That Something Like Simply Growing A Mustache Can Impress People.