I Try To Tell People

There Isn't A Problem On This Earth That A Doughnut Cannot Make Better.

I'm A Comic, And I'm Supposed To Outrage And Make People Laugh, Part Of Makin' People Laugh Is To Shake Up Their Thinkin'. That's What I Came Here To Do.

You May Marry The Man Of Your Dreams, Ladies, But Fourteen Years Later You're Married To A Couch That Burps.

The American People Are Sick And Tired Of This ‘lesser Evil’ Garbage They Get Fed Every Election Year. Both The Democrats And The Republicans Do The Same Evils Once They’re In Office...

I Signed A Deal With Satan Because I Wanted To Get Famous. Then I Forgot I Had A Deal With Satan And Then I Got Really Famous.