I Strapped An Mp3 Player

I Always Hate Telling My Jokes In Print 'cause I Always Feel Like It Reads So Not Funny And People Read It And They Think, 'oh, So That's What That Guy Does In His Stand-up? That's Terrible.'

Even In My Stand-up, There's A Lot More Positivity And Enthusiasm Rather Than Negative, I-hate-everything Vibes.

The Hardest Part About Rollerblading Is Telling Your Parents You're Gay.

Every Time I've Done Comedy In, Like, Traditional Comedy Clubs, There's Always These Comedians That Do Really Well With Audiences But That The Other Comedians Hate Because They're Just, You Know, Doing Kind Of Cheap Stuff Like Dancing Around Or Doing, Like, Very Kind Of Base Sex Humor A Lot, And Stuff Like That.

She Broke Up With Me. Didn't Really Tell Me Why. Luckily When You're The Guy, You Can Just Tell People She's Crazy. 'hey, Tom, I Heard You And Lucy Broke Up.' 'yeah, Man. Turns Out, She's Crazy.' That's What They Always Do On Entourage.